A former Pillsbury executive, Barb Benetti had always been educated, capable and self-assured. But when “this little creature” — her first child — came along, she felt clueless and undone.

“I used to manage 20 people in four states and we were able to accomplish our goals. Then I had one baby and I couldn’t figure out how to make him stop crying. I was totally and completely helpless!”

Now give her some slack. The boy was colicky, later diagnosed with Asperger Autism, and “screamed for three months straight no matter what I did.” But her confession remains. “I sat in front of this little creature and couldn’t for the life of me figure out what to do with him.”

Even without Benetti’s additional challenges, this powerless feeling can be a shock to the system for young parents, she said, and most parents are unprepared.

“I remember thinking, ‘There has to be an answer and I just haven’t found it.’ In college and the business world, where there’s a problem, you fix it. But it was humbling to discover that sometimes there isn’t an answer, and you have to just have a little faith and wade through it.”

One day while receiving post-natal care, Benetti was astounded that only once did a physician ask how she was doing personally, and none asked about the impact of a new child on her marriage.

“I don’t think we talk about it,” she said from her Woodbury home amidst interrupting children. “Of course having a baby is a joyful event, but it required a complete shift, and there is a lot of associated stress!”

It raises a good question, and one that dumbfounds every parent I talk to: how can Americans receive four years of college and come out thousands of dollars in debt with a degree they may not even use, and not get a single ounce of training for handling the most consequential relationships in their lives?

Benetti used her business-world tenacity to both hunt down and even lead groups that could help her, from MOMS Club of Woodbury to a women’s group at her church that she calls “a real lifeline and inspiration in good times and bad.”

She also discovered Minnesota’s nation-leading Early Childhood Family Education program (www.ecfe.info), now serving over 250,000 parents and children in 340 school districts statewide.

ECFE’s mission is to train parents and relatives of infants through age four because, as its website puts it, “babies don’t come with instructions.”

“The first hour at ECFE you are with your child in the class, playing and interacting with them, and the second hour you are away from them,” explained Benetti. “It’s reassuring because both the classes and the childcare is staffed by licensed educators.

“It can be frightening for a new parent to leave their kids, but frankly, sometimes it has been my only hour away from them to have a cup of coffee in peace and enjoy adult conversation.”

The commiserating flows like a dam break. Should you let kids cry it out? Do they sleep with you? How do you teach Billy to play and share? Is it OK if Molly only likes one food? How did you start potty training? And, by the way, when do you sleep?

ECFE and Benetti’s other groups have also provided marital support. At first, when mothering was so physically exhausting, she admits, “I became envious that he got to just walk out the door in the morning. Then his job ended at 5 p.m. Mine not until 9 p.m. Then I worked the middle-of-the-night shift and never had weekends off. At one point I said, ‘I want to trade. I want a better deal.’”

Yet she was sympathetic, as different parenting styles and the children’s dependence on her at times made it difficult for her husband Tim to enter into mom’s kingdom.

“The kids are very, very connected to me because I stay at home, and I’m so blessed by that. But I’ll be in the shower upstairs and Tim will be reading at the kitchen table, and they’ll come ask me for a glass of milk. I’m the go-to gal!”

For many reasons being a mom can be just “overwhelming,” said Benetti, but without support and outlets it would be impossible, and young parents have to make a priority of self-care. “I wish I had done it sooner.”

“Once a month I get together with my girlfriends and scrapbook, and honestly, this has been a turning point in my marriage. I feel so much better. Tim has been supportive. I just wasn’t willing to ask for the time away.”

“Raising a family can be a very isolating experience,” said Benetti, now at home with four kids. “What you get from these outside groups is a sense of normalcy. You see that everyone is struggling with something.”

Compounding that isolation, in our highly mobile society, can be the loss of extended family support, traditionally an empathetic goldmine of help and advice.

Benetti’s encouragement to new parents? “Stay as connected to your community as you can, whether that’s family, neighborhood, or a faith community, and don’t forget the relationships you had before kids. That includes your spouse!”

“I consider myself smart and educated. But one thing I know: I can’t do it on my own.”

© 2012 Todd Svanoe. Unauthorized reproduction of this copyrighted material is prohibited.

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