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Wilderness Retreats Heal Family Relationships

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Caryn Hirshleifer thought she had done her job by arranging wilderness therapy expeditions for her teenaged girls with Soltreks, based north of Duluth in Two Harbors, MN.

When filling out application forms and describing the family problems, “I expected them to go be transformed,” come home and everything would be OK, she said.

In fact, when the whole family signed up for a second expedition with Soltreks in the Gila Wilderness of New Mexico, Hirshleifer explained, “I thought I’d let my husband go while I checked into a Ritz Hotel, hang out in the bath tub and read and write. But that wasn’t allowed.”

Don’t get her wrong. “I like hiking, but drinking water from a stream with dead bugs floating on top wasn’t my idea of therapy.”

If wilderness retreats in Minnesota’s Boundary Waters and the 275-mile Superior Hiking Trail reveal anything to wilderness therapists like Soltreks co-founder Lorri Hanna, it’s this: relational brokenness and healing involves the whole family.

That’s why one of the first questions Hanna and her husband Doug Sabo ask is, “What’s the family structure? And who’s showing up and being intentional about the relationships?”

Setting the stage for catalytic moments. Hirshleifer was “RETICENT in capital letters,” she said. “I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to carry all the stuff. No watch, no cell phone. No tent, just a sleeping bag under a tarp, and you sleep 50 feet away from one another. So, you know, you are really with yourself” — and with whatever lurks in the wilderness!

“Everything was magnified,” said Hirshleifer, “The darkness is profound. The noises at night. I felt very vulnerable and exposed.”

Physical and emotional safety is paramount, however, in well-guided wilderness therapy programs such as Soltreks, New Vision (based in Milwaukee) and Outward Bound, which cater to youth, but have programs for all ages.

Unlike those that take a boot camp, shock therapy approach, these programs use forms of “comfort zone expansion,” letting the natural rhythms of wilderness survival bring up catalytic moments for positive growth.

People often struggle to withdraw from computers, distractions and noise, says Hanna. “They reach for their cell phones when they are not there. But gradually their senses wake up. They hear new sounds. They find things in the silence. In this new space, their creativity and dreams come alive.” But emotional realities hit as well.

A choice to face or deny “the mess.” “We deal with the truth in our lives, building integrity in our relationships, and we go toward the mess,” said Hanna. “Wherever there’s emotional pain – fear, hurt or anger — we find ways to deal with it. That’s where we grow.”

“Families come to Soltreks because communication in their family has become ineffective,” she explains.

“Kids may be withdrawing from their parents or peers. They may socialize only with computers. They don’t know what they need or how to ask for it. Many lack confidence in themselves. They may be struggling with boundaries or entitlement issues. They need consistency and accountability, and their parents need that too.”

Hiking with the Hirshleifer family on the second day, Hanna led them to a beautiful meadow, Caryn reports. “We passed a stream, wilderness rock formations, and cacti. Lorri got us into a circle in the meadow under the bright sun to read a “letter of impact.”

Normally written from parents to their children, this was penned by their older daughter, now at a therapeutic boarding school, who had been the first to benefit from Soltreks’ wilderness therapy.

“Mom, I’ve always loved you, and I will love you until the day I die. So please understand I’m writing not to tear you down but in a spirit of love…”

“It was a powerful letter,” Hirshleifer recalled. “She explained her anger with me for always being tentative with her and not stepping up. She was out of control because I would not take control of situations we were in.”

Guess where she learned that? Hirshleifer asked. “My mom was insecure and didn’t have a great maternal skill set. So I had to learn to accept and see myself as worthy.”

Among the daily writing assignments the family received, Caryn was to write an angry letter to her parents. “I told them of their many lapses and how they affected me. It seemed so irreverent and controversial. But I’m always trying to protect my mom.”

The exercise helped her separate and find new strength, Caryn said. “I’m not my mom. I bring a lot to the table.”

Finding a healthy family framework. In most wilderness therapy programs youth do the work unaccompanied by their parents, although it often triggers new insight and healing for the entire family. Therefore, “re-entry” family counseling is always provided.

Youth in Outward Bound’s Intercept program learn how to express their feelings, resolve conflicts, and negotiate, according to Lifetime Outward Bound staffer Amy Saxton, 45, who recalls the transformative power of her own first wilderness journey on Minnesota’s northshore.

“The greatest challenge was having to work things out together, making decisions every day that immediately affected what and when you ate, how dry you were, and when you got to bed.”

Those everyday needs bring up all kinds of emotions, said Saxton. “Kids have to deal with weather and tiredness and hunger. I’ve had them throw fits about having no way, other than the sun, to check the time.”

Red light, green light. Saxton recalls two girls canoeing across a lake that had a headwind and grew so tired and fed up that they threw their paddles away and got blown to the other side. Here was a teachable moment.

“We talked about how everyone gets angry, but losing your temper can cause problems. So we asked them to identify their feelings on a scale where a green light represented ‘Everything is fine’ and their temper was a stop light. We agreed to use our yellow caution lights before we lost our temper.

“So we’d have youth paddling along who would say, ‘I’m feeling pretty orange right now!’”

On another occasion a dispute led to one camper throwing another’s bowl into the woods.

“We taught a method of conflict resolution and shared it with parents, using the acronym VOMP. First, V – Give voice and listen to what happened. O – Own, rather than deny, your part in the conflict. M – Put yourself in the moccasins of the person who felt hurt. P – Plan how you’ll handle situations like this in the future. It sounds simple, but it works!”

Group agreement and natural consequences. Wilderness treks start with an agreement between all parties, another healthy structure transferable to family life. Outward Bound families choose an earned privilege that is “at stake” such as getting a driver’s license or switching schools, said Saxton.

“But the trek group itself decides how they want to work together, treat each other, divide chores, and what will be the consequences if someone doesn’t get up and help with breakfast.”

Just like on Survivor, said Saxton, somewhere along the way, complaining always ensues. “Everyone’s sure they’re doing more than everyone else.”

But a new dynamic takes over. No longer is mom or dad deciding or standing in the way. They aren’t making the meals and they’re not there to bail a child out.

“One girl on day four of a trip just sat down in the middle of our hiking path and said she was done. When she refused to move, I said, ‘OK, home’s that way. You have 24 days to get there.’”

Freedom to make mistakes. Hanna and Saxton agree that in most child-parent stalemates there is a tension between the youth wanting more decision-making freedom and parents not seeing them take responsibility to show they are ready.

“As guides, we’re able to give children freedom to go down the wrong path and lose time, or burn the dinner, and it’s not dire, permanent, or life altering,” said Saxton.

Outward Bound completes its 28-day Intercept youth trip with a three-day parent-child action plan seminar to ensure a continued pattern of agreement, responsibilities and accountability.

“Families often need a new structure and a new start,” said Hanna, who also leads midlife retreats with women. “Parents have often lost their voice with their spouse and their kids, and the boundaries get blurred. They’re not sure what they can expect and control, and what they can’t control.”

She gave an example. “If a son or daughter is living at home and using your car, it can be on the condition of knowing where they are, and it’s not OK for them to talk to you disrespectfully. You can’t control their actions, but you can decide how you will respond. It helps to have mutually agreed consequences.”

Without a structure of shared understanding, says Hanna, “Everybody’s losing, even the child. You have to get everyone to buy in to starting over.”

After time in the wilderness with long hikes, good questions, and time to “peel away the layers” of feelings, as Hanna puts it, youth often develop the courage to work toward healing, and parents receive the space and tools they need to forgive and love again.

Sidebar:

Wilderness Therapy Retreats

Soltreks, Inc.
2346 Highway 3
Two Harbors, MN 55616
(218) 834-4607

Outward Bound
9 Robie Street East, Suite 295
Saint Paul, MN 55107
(651) 292-1062

New Vision Wilderness, LLC
1580 S. 81st St.
West Allis, WI 53214
(414) 801-9791

 

© 2012 Todd Svanoe. Unauthorized reproduction of this copyrighted material is prohibited.


Todd can be reached via the Contact page.


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